- Sue: "Mom! The dryer ate my legwarmers again."
- Frankie "How many times do I have to tell you? No putting wet stuff in the dryer anymore! - Pilot
- "I can't go to school today. My hair is stringy, my face is too oval and I have NO friends." - The Jeans
- "I think Axl's being a baby. Embarrassment is an important part of sports. My coach told me that." - Homecoming
- Mike: We waited too long to tell Sue about unicorns.
''Sue: That was embarrassing. I did a whole science project on them.
''12 Year Old Sue: The unicorn's primary food source is rainbows. But they have also been known to eat clouds. - A Birthday Story
- "Oh my god I've won. I've won a contest! Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I won a trip to New York!" - Hecks on a Plane
- Frankie: I am trying to build memories for our family. Memories for our daughter so she has something to write about besides form lettuce.
Sue: You read my diary?
Frankie: We all have.
Brick: It's no menopause. - Hecks on a Plane
- "In high school, do we call it the caf? Because when Hannah Montanna went to high school, they called it the caf." - Forced Family Fun: Part 1
- "Mom! Axl chip clipped my eye! It really hurts, but I left it on to show you what he has done." -Forced Family Fun Part 2
- Frankie: Sue, are you ok?
Sue: No not at all. All of a sudden, Matt turned into the worlds worst kisser.
''Frankie: What do you mean?
Sue: Out of nowhere, he puts his-his tongue into my mouth. Oh, my God! What it that? Who does that?
Sue: I can't help but feel sorry for him. It's like he totally forgot how to kiss. I mean, what place does a tongue have in kissing?" - Valentine's Day III
- Sue: Oh my god! He did it again. This time I tried to keep my mouth closed, but it still got in there somehow. It's almost like he's doing it on purpose.
Frankie: Yeah, Sue, here's the thing. He is doing it on purpose.
Sue: What? Why? Why would he do something like that? It's so mean.
Frankie: Yeah, well it might seem mean to you now, but, you know, some people like it.
Sue: Who? Who would like that? It's like having an eel in your mouth.
Frankie: Oh, come one Sue, there are two girls that are pregnant in your class right now. You never heard of french kissing?
Sue: Whoa. Wait a minute. That's french kissing?
Frankie: Yeah, what did you think it was?
Sue: I thought it was kissing during a rainbow.
Frankie: Wow! We really need to talk more often. - Valentine's Day III
- I am growing up. Look at me. I'm in line for a Justine Bieber Concert! - The Concert
- Sue: Well, you know how I had an overbite-crossbite? Seems they overcorrected, and now I have an underbite-overbite.
Frankie: Is that even a thing?
Sue: The doctor says it's unprecedented. I'm devastated. This is a catastrophe! - The Paper Route
- Sue: But what if nobody ever loves me like that again?
Axl: Ugh. Why do you not listen to me? I told you before, guys could... [sighs] ... like you.
Axl: Trust me. I see a lot of girls where I go "How does she have a boyfriend", but you know what? They do, so why not you?
Axl: What are you doing right now?
Sue: Well, I was going to write out the entire lyrics to "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce and send it to Matt.
Axl: Okay, you're not doing that. - The Paper Route
- I went from being invisible, to being mistaken for an Asian flu. I tried changing myelf, but it didn't work - The Guidance Counselor
- Sue: Do you guys have favorite kids?
Frankie: I like those Donahues.
Sue: No, of us. Mom, I really want to know this. Do you guys have favorite kids, among us kids? Do you guys have favorites?
Frankie: Honey, don't be ridiculous. Parents love all their kids infinitely. If there's infinite love, then it's not possible to love one more than the other because infinite love is infinite.
Mike: Guess I'd say Axl.
Frankie: Mike! - Last Whiff of Summer :Part 1
- Sue: Of course, it would make sense that Axl would be your favorite. You spend more time with him, and he's a boy and everything, and I've got to own that.
Mike: Sue, he's not my favorite. It's just a dumb thing I said.
Sue: [hand up] Owning it. But it's not enough to just own it. I have to fix it. And that's why I'm declaring this, "The Summer of Sue and Dad" [shows Mike a big binder photo album book].
Mike: Wow. That's a... big book.
Sue: Yes, it is. And you and I are gonna fill every single page with special memories we make starting now. [snaps picture] ' - Last Whiff of Summer: Part 1
- I am calm confident and in control. I am ready. I AM NOT READY! - Halloween III The Driving
- This one says "I'm going commando". I don't really get it, but I do support the military. - Halloween III: The Driving
- Sue: You're just mad because your girlfriend is out of town.
Axl: She's at a wedding, which is something you'll never be at. I suggest buying a wacky hat and starting your cat collection now.
Sue: That's not even an insult. I love cats! - Valentine's Day IV
- Sue: "No! It's rigged!"
Frankie: "It's not rigged Sue."
Sue: "Then how come the wheel of pain always lands in me?"
Mike: "Tonight of life in general?" - Wheel of Pain
- I can't loose my party. It's my Sweet 16. It's the only birthday with it's own adjective. - Wheel of Pain
- "That punch in the face was a real slap in the face." - Dollar Days
- Sue: Did I mention that the examiner said it was the single greatest piece of driving he's ever seen?
Frankie: I'm sure you did great, honey.
Mike: She did do great. Sue, you're an excellent driver.
Sue: Can I drive the family to Graduation?
Mike: Absolutely not. - The Graduation
- I wrote a killer essay called "Leading when no one is looking, listening or letting you. - The Drop Off
- " Oh my gosh! I can get a job, I'm sixteen, I'm so lucky! Mom, will you drive me to the mall today? -The Potato
- Sue: This is so hard. It's like Sophie's choice. My friend Sophie is getting a puppy for her birthday, and she can't decide between a corgi and a beagle.
Frankie: You know, Sue, there's also a movie called "Sophie's Choice".
Sue: Oh, really? Was it about dogs? Was it sad? Oh, wait. Don't spoil it for me. - The Potato
- "He is a musician, and a poet, and he can parallel park like nobody's business!" - The 100th
- "My American Girl babysitting manual did not prepare me for this!" - The Kiss
- "Our house is going to be like a magical Christmas wonderland." - The Christmas Tree
- "Oh no, I'm allergic to Christmas!" - The Christmas Tree
- "I rode the caffeine pony and it took me to the depths of hell. - Major Anxiety
- "I am going to East Indy, Axl whether you like it or not!" -Hecks on a Train
- "I have no cord, no yearbook. It's like I walked on sand and didn't leave any footprints, and not the Jesus kind because that was really cool." -The Graduation
- "Did somebody say, CAKE?!" - Not Your Brother's Drop Off
"We may be in temporary housing, but we're not temporary people!"